Renee Zellweger bitten in the angle by rabid acorn

The horrible incident that has Renee Zellweger raddled beyond compare took place earlier this morning. While getting her mail, Miss Zellweger was suddenly attacked by a wayward Acorn. In a statement from Zellwegers press they say that the acorn was completely unprovoked; but here at OnGossip we hear the story quite differently.
An eye-witness give us this gut wrenching depiction of the scene: “it was like totally her fault or whatever. Like, she saw the acorn and just, like, kicked it out of the way, like, totally rude, like. So, you know, the acorn attacked, after being kicked. I mean, like, wouldn’t you?”
Gruesome stuff.

Betty White Tries to sell embroidered penises over the internet

This morning Betty white of the popular 80’s sitcom “Golden Girls” set her long awaited line of embroidered pillows on sale at http://www.grandma.com/.
People were however surprised to find, that no image of the pillow was displayed on the website, which simply stated that the pillow had in fact been created by White. We here at OnGossip could not sustain our curiosity, and therefore went ahead and bought one, though it cost us most of our yearly revenue. We were therefore a little more than surprised when we found A blatantly phallic image embroidered on the pillow. When investigating the incident, we found that all the embroidered good from White were sexual and that we had gotten one of the least hardcore. Word like bondage and excrement were thrown around in our research, we can only conclude that Betty White lives in a fascinating world.

Matthew McConaughey feels up turtle in the back of a Wendy’s

Super hunk Matthew McConaughey was caught molesting an Amphibian in the backroom of a Hawaiian Wendy’s.
When caught McConaughey responded by head budding the employee and screaming that he was in fact not touching the turtle inappropriately, but was simply checking the creature for prostate cancer.
The turtle has not pressed charges yet, but an impending lawsuit is sure to follow

Reese Witherspoon attempts to dine and ditch by tunnelling her way under the ladies room

Late this Friday evening a furious Reese Witherspoon was escorted by Los Angeles police away from the Chemise restraint Fuc Me.
The events that led up to Witherspoons incarceration began earlier that evening, when she ordered one plate of everything they had on their 50 page menu. The waiter was understandably apprehensive about Witherspoons order, but did not think to disagree as he gave the order to the chef. Witherspoon proceeded to gauge her self on the exotic cuisine of the establishment, until it closed. When Witherspoon consequently was asked to pay her excessive bill; she excused her self to the ladies room. Here she proceeded to try and dig a tunnel using only a tube of hand cream and a butterscuch candy. Witherspoon was halfway to the alley behind the restaurant when police finally caught up with her.

Selma Hayek beats ninja to death with pool ball

The devastating incident happened in a local San Juan bar where the ninja was a recurring costumer. The ninja, also knows as bob to his friends and family, was just returning from a night of innocent gang raping of a 23 year old woman, when he was challenged to a game of pool by a clearly agitated Hayek.
Hayek insisted on playing with some very modern rules to the game, such as; every time you get a ball in the corner pocket, you are allowed to hit your opponent once in the jaw with the 8-ball.
Sadly for the Ninja his years and years of training did not save him from the razor sharp skills of one of Hollywood’s best paid Latina actresses.
There will be an intimate memorial at St. Luther’s first Methodist church and AA this Sunday.

Ben Affleck is being replaced by an apple Iman

In a collective statement from all major film producing companies Ben Affleck is to be replaced with the new and improved robot from apple; the Iman.
WB says that they do not think that it will make much of a difference as the popular movie star has about the same emotional range as a robot. The representative from paramount was not available for a coherent quote, but did run around the press conference throwing faeces at the reporters and falling asleep across several of the participants.

Steve Buscemi is replacing Daniel radcliffe for harry potter 8

For the 8th instalment of the Harry Potter series Steve Buscemi is to play a slightly older version of the beloved wizard.
The story written by “fight Club” author Chuck Phalaniuk is about the small creature gnoffle. Gnofflke is a cross between a troll and an investment banker who frightens people with his strong incontinence and therefore dangers the entire world that Harry lives in.
In order to defeat this horrible creature, Harry must reassemble the old gang, which proves harder than he anticipated as both Ron and Hermione has laid victim to a strong crystal meth addiction.
The movie promises to be box office gold.

Disclaimer

Paris Hilton beats Jehovah’s witnesses with used tampon

This evening at 8 pm two dangerously injured Jehovah’s witnesses were seen staggering form the residence of Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton was not to reach, as she had locked her self in her mansion, and would let no one in, but the two injured parties from Jehovah’s witnesses gave a gruesome description of the events that took place there.Mr. Damian Hellsmouth tells us “we were just going our rounds in the greater Beverly Hills neighbourhood; when a frantiv Paris Hilton comes lunging at us. She tried to beat us the old fashion way, but her arms were too weak from starvation. That was when she pulled out her tampon and started hitting us mercilessly… the thing was hard as stone”

Ashlee Simpson confuses popular youth culture with tropic bird

The Less talented sister of Jessica Simpson recently made a drastic change of image, in order to conform to the modern standards of pop culture.
The misguided singer/actress wanted to appear as the height of fashion with a new look inspired by the emo style (emo stands for emotional); however Simpson got it wrong, and got drastic cosmetic surgery in order to look like the emu that pop culture dictated.
Ashlee Simpsons husband Pete Wentz; however is very happy with the change stating that he has always had a thing for large birds.

Alec Baldwin marries Seamonkey

Star of the prime time comedy show “30 rock” has recently married what the press release describes as the love of his life; the 3 weeks old seamonkey Gladys.
Gladys and Alec met at a north Bronx resort for slightly endemic individuals where Alec and Gladys bonded over a fondness for the morning cartoon “speed racer”. Over the next week the pair grew closer, which resulted in the inevitable marriage proposal. The pair got married in a short ceremony in the Bahamas where Alec wore nothing but a Hawaii shirt and Gladys was wearing a tiny beret.

Jack Black killed by wayward alien

Alien gunned beloved comedian Jack Black to death at 7.pm this afternoon in a down town Dunkin Doughnut in Snohomish Washington.
Seen above is the mugs hot of the extra terrestrial; whose was forcibly let from the scene of the crime by several police officers. The scene was described by eye witnesses as disturbing as the 2 feet tall alien drew a 38 magnum while shouting “he thinks he is sooo funny. Seriously, did you see tropic thunder? Deluded much?”.
After the incident the alien quietly sat down on the linoleum of the establishment and played solitaire while waiting for the police to arrive.

Anne Hathaway looses toe in freak DVD-related accident

Earlier this morning the international superstar Anne Hathaway was devastated to find that her left pinkie toe had been severed during her sleep. Next to her severed toe was a clearly bruised copy of “there is something about Mary” on DVD.
Hathaway claims that she remembers nothing of the incident, but does allegedly recall a dream involving a hippopotamus and a very aggressive garden gnome. A clearly shaken Hathaway tells OnGossip that “I will never be able to regard a garden gnome with the same ease and callas that I have so often regarded for the Easter Bunny”

Keanu Reeves accepts bid for extreme endorsement

Keanu reeves, has recently accepted a bid for a unnamed company to have their logo tattooed across his forhead.
A representative for mister reeves, tells OnGossip that the decision was made after long deliberation, but a choice was made, after mister reeves, was told that he would receive a small pony and a McFlurry machene in return for the addspace.

Amanda Bynes wears endangered penguin on the red carpet

Haggered has-been Amanda Bynes shows up to the premiere of the “tree’s company” motion picture wearing the endangered Vishnu penguin.
Taking a page out of fusionista and notorious eccentric Björk, she tells onGossip exclusively that stepping in to the penguin was not a pleasant experience. She tells us that the guts were particularly hard to stomp out through the uncomfortably narrow dress.

Jodling replaces rap as the new hardcore thing

The baddest thugs in Switzerland have been doing it for years, but somehow the trend has just recently moved to the United States ghetto’s where young aspiring rappers have taking up the classic pastime.
Young Jodlist Gangsta killa ways this “it be dope man; I’s like all up in dat shi-at”.
Jodling has even made it to the mainstream where former rappers like lil’ Wayne and Kanye west have been heard performing it on their n latest singles.

Nickelodeon in talks to create a show for tweens entitled “Ricky Martin and the Latina refrigerator”

The show is said to take place in the magical kingdom of Mexico where a startled Ricky Martin is led blindfolded on to the stage. Here a slightly large man sings showrooms to him while he screams “why” and “where am I”.
Nickelodeon has already shot the pilot and foresees a season of 6 episodes.

Selina Gomez caught binge eating book covers at local quisno’s

Earlier this evening the singer/acress/sextape star was sighted munching the covers of several editions of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “the hoppit”.
When asked for comment Selina’s fourth cousin once removed told us that Selina has suffered from multiple stab wounds to her inner index finger and can therefore not be held responsible for her actions