The Virgin Mary to appear in Christmas based Horror movie

The movie entitled “Violent Night” canters around the second coming of the Virgin Mary.

In the movie, the Virgin Mary rises from her grave to finally get laid. The zombie virgin tries to get busy with every man she sees and finally nails the pope.

The movie, which is said to be a cross over between “the Ring” and “American Pie”, will be released this July and is already creating Oscar buzz.

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ABBA costume collection sold to fish

In a stunning turn of events the full collection of costumes that the popular 70’s pop band ABBA wore on stage has been sold to the highest bidder at an international action for pancreatic cancer; however the highest bidder was a Scandinavian trout.

A spokesman for the trout announced that he could not understand how the Trout had come in possession of the 47 billion dollars the transaction had taken, but that he appreciates the vast amount of money that the trout pays him.

When asked why he was not talking on behalf of the fish, the spokesman told us here at OnGossip, that he in fact was not able to communicate with the trout as it is a fish.

Renee Zellweger bitten in the angle by rabid acorn

The horrible incident that has Renee Zellweger raddled beyond compare took place earlier this morning. While getting her mail, Miss Zellweger was suddenly attacked by a wayward Acorn. In a statement from Zellwegers press they say that the acorn was completely unprovoked; but here at OnGossip we hear the story quite differently.
An eye-witness give us this gut wrenching depiction of the scene: “it was like totally her fault or whatever. Like, she saw the acorn and just, like, kicked it out of the way, like, totally rude, like. So, you know, the acorn attacked, after being kicked. I mean, like, wouldn’t you?”
Gruesome stuff.

Betty White Tries to sell embroidered penises over the internet

This morning Betty white of the popular 80’s sitcom “Golden Girls” set her long awaited line of embroidered pillows on sale at http://www.grandma.com/.
People were however surprised to find, that no image of the pillow was displayed on the website, which simply stated that the pillow had in fact been created by White. We here at OnGossip could not sustain our curiosity, and therefore went ahead and bought one, though it cost us most of our yearly revenue. We were therefore a little more than surprised when we found A blatantly phallic image embroidered on the pillow. When investigating the incident, we found that all the embroidered good from White were sexual and that we had gotten one of the least hardcore. Word like bondage and excrement were thrown around in our research, we can only conclude that Betty White lives in a fascinating world.

Matthew McConaughey feels up turtle in the back of a Wendy’s

Super hunk Matthew McConaughey was caught molesting an Amphibian in the backroom of a Hawaiian Wendy’s.
When caught McConaughey responded by head budding the employee and screaming that he was in fact not touching the turtle inappropriately, but was simply checking the creature for prostate cancer.
The turtle has not pressed charges yet, but an impending lawsuit is sure to follow

Reese Witherspoon attempts to dine and ditch by tunnelling her way under the ladies room

Late this Friday evening a furious Reese Witherspoon was escorted by Los Angeles police away from the Chemise restraint Fuc Me.
The events that led up to Witherspoons incarceration began earlier that evening, when she ordered one plate of everything they had on their 50 page menu. The waiter was understandably apprehensive about Witherspoons order, but did not think to disagree as he gave the order to the chef. Witherspoon proceeded to gauge her self on the exotic cuisine of the establishment, until it closed. When Witherspoon consequently was asked to pay her excessive bill; she excused her self to the ladies room. Here she proceeded to try and dig a tunnel using only a tube of hand cream and a butterscuch candy. Witherspoon was halfway to the alley behind the restaurant when police finally caught up with her.

Selma Hayek beats ninja to death with pool ball

The devastating incident happened in a local San Juan bar where the ninja was a recurring costumer. The ninja, also knows as bob to his friends and family, was just returning from a night of innocent gang raping of a 23 year old woman, when he was challenged to a game of pool by a clearly agitated Hayek.
Hayek insisted on playing with some very modern rules to the game, such as; every time you get a ball in the corner pocket, you are allowed to hit your opponent once in the jaw with the 8-ball.
Sadly for the Ninja his years and years of training did not save him from the razor sharp skills of one of Hollywood’s best paid Latina actresses.
There will be an intimate memorial at St. Luther’s first Methodist church and AA this Sunday.

Ben Affleck is being replaced by an apple Iman

In a collective statement from all major film producing companies Ben Affleck is to be replaced with the new and improved robot from apple; the Iman.
WB says that they do not think that it will make much of a difference as the popular movie star has about the same emotional range as a robot. The representative from paramount was not available for a coherent quote, but did run around the press conference throwing faeces at the reporters and falling asleep across several of the participants.

Steve Buscemi is replacing Daniel radcliffe for harry potter 8

For the 8th instalment of the Harry Potter series Steve Buscemi is to play a slightly older version of the beloved wizard.
The story written by “fight Club” author Chuck Phalaniuk is about the small creature gnoffle. Gnofflke is a cross between a troll and an investment banker who frightens people with his strong incontinence and therefore dangers the entire world that Harry lives in.
In order to defeat this horrible creature, Harry must reassemble the old gang, which proves harder than he anticipated as both Ron and Hermione has laid victim to a strong crystal meth addiction.
The movie promises to be box office gold.